It's been a minute, hello!

I spent a lot of last year eating my feelings, introspecting, avoiding, drinking my feelings, journaling, hemming and hawing, hashing out hypotheticals over and over and finally deciding to approach The Artist’s Way again. I’ve done a lot of healing. I can intuitively listen to my body in regards to diet and lifestyle (i.e. what does my body want right now, what is most healthful, do i need sleep or water or rest/downtime or art.) I can also “get away with” indulging at times. What I mean by that is, because I’m not here to engage with diet culture in labeling food as “good” or “bad”, is that I can indulge in foods i know are not healthful for me and tolerate the consequences, or have minimal backlash from my body and mind. I worked with the Human Garage extensively after working for years on healing protocols like AIP, Low FODMAP, GAPS, SCD and got to this place by my own advocacy and diligence.

Now is the hard part. The energy work.

So, a little backstory: Brahm and I see this chiropractor in LA, he’s a-maz-ing. Not only did he fix Brahm’s physical back issues, he also practices Gonstead Chiropractic which is a whole body, “everything is connected” method. He has done acupuncture and just read our fucking souls to us and been like “cut the shit, and get down to work on yourselves”. (I’m paraphrasing). Way back in like 2013, I would see Rahim to correct when i had first seen a chiropractor who fucked up my neck, (I went in for knee/running issues and left with neck pain). Dr. Rahim got me all straightened out and then we talked a little bit about my food/health connection. He is the one who really got me down the path of diet and lifestyle affecting your whole life, then i delved into the other practitioners who helped seal the deal. After the major amount of my healing of the past 6 years, I had gone into see him for a little maintenance and when he did his check up he could tell that i was physically doing awesome. He was like I can tell all the work you’ve put in, now you have to get you energy right. True to form, everything Dr. Rahim says, hits me 5 years later with an a-ha moment. Same for Brahm, he’ll say something in passing about an observation of how we operate in the world and then 5 years later, give or take, on our own time, we go “oooooohhhhhhhhh THIS is what the fuck Rahim was talking about!” (and then we get irritated that we can’t speed up our own comprehension process.

So last year, I had my a-ha moment about “energy”. And my epiphany was this, (shocker, it may not be news to you, but i’m the last to know about everything concerning who I am as a person) you can’t diet and lifestyle your way out of how you function in the world. It takes another approach, and a LOT of letting go.

Back to where we started: I spent a lot of last year being stressed, unhappy, exhausted from touring, questioning my life choices, feeling undervalued, feeling angry and not knowing how to express it, then hate drinking and eating my way through tours and time off and gaining 30 lbs. (Again, observation not judgement, weight is a tool for me to gauge what my body is doing. I have no “right weight”). I figured out i had to be all in (on me) to let go (of everything). It’s a little bit like “you’ve gotta get up to get down” i guess.

Right now, I lay off the booze for the most part. i try to make loving decisions for my body but i don’t judge the choices i’m making no matter what they do to my body (bloating or gaining or loss). i had to get back to not controlling everything (an illusion anyway) if I was going to address what was fueling everything. MY INSIDES. my emotions, my energy, my attitude, my approach, all of it.

I knew so deeply that step one was journaling. I fucking hated it and every time i got quiet with myself and was like “what do you need?” my inner voice would practically yell “JOURNAL, YOU BITCH!” (so aggressive and bossy…) I would ignore it over and over (and eat and drink) until i finally was like “OK i’ll just bring a journal on tour and fucking WRITE IN IT” (hate-journaling i guess, so angry!) Once I was doing that, it did help me curb some of the mindless or feelings-full consuming i was doing. It did help me figure out some outlets and some needs I had that I wasn’t acknowledging. I began to invest in myself. I pushed forward a lullaby album as an exercise to prove that I didn’t need 7 dudes backing me up just to create. (A story i had told myself because i didn’t go to school for music, and somehow deserved to be here less than they did.) Originally, I thought that starting a side project with Zach would be what I wanted: a creative space with less voices to share my ideas. We planned on using it as a platform for some of the quirkier songs of his that didn’t fit the band, but we could sing together for fun or for feels. What this did for me, was ignite a fire of my own creativity. I already have a band with other voices. I realized i wanted a space for my voice.

With that under my belt, I allowed myself to start writing my own original music, one song at a time. I started collaborating with close friends, also passionate creators, filmmakers who needed something to shoot. I had something for us to shoot, a music video! You take my song, create your vision (practically carte blanche) and let’s just make stuff together. Meanwhile, journaling, walking, talking it out, I decided to start the Artist’s Way again. The last time I did it, i was in a place of “OK I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I have right now.” Why not try again? In September of 2018, I decided to (try and) only mindfully eat and drink (less restrictive health wise, but more free and open to what i could learn from my body) while I started the Artist’s Way. I would check in with friends every week, especially my friend Barbara who does an incredible Artist’s Way group. She’s an amazing, insightful listener and gets so excited for the success of others, I can’t recommend her enough.

We moved back to NH in December to start Brahm on his own process of autonomy with our food truck TACOCAT and I wrapped up the Artist’s Way in December. In January of this year, I had a plan for what i actually wanted, a schedule of when I’d be where, and an idea of when to get shit done. (Overview is: DBR album this fall, solo album before the end of 2019 and another lullaby album wherever I can fit it in, all while touring and starting a business.) I went back to LA in January for writing sessions with the band and attended a meditation class of my friend Christina Huntington, she’s a bananas-transformational meditation coach. My words for the year, what came up in the meditation from my subconscious (sort of a mantra or indication of what your goals are) were “go, go,go”, “worth” and “you know”. (i.e. go go go make shit happen, worth as in your voice is WORTH being heard, and you are WORTH the effort of self care, and “you know” what you need, trust yourself, your intuition is correct.) 2018 was the year of introspection, diving deep to get to the root of my behaviors, 2019 is the year of DOING SHIT. And I hope 2020 is the year of rest bc i’m fucking tired.

All of this is to say. I still have nothing figured out.
I know how to make loving choices for myself, I have started exercising again, but only when I want to so it’s not to make my body look a certain way for someone else. I am working on music when i have the energy, which is not a lot of the time but is worthwhile and fulfilling when i do have it. (I can tell because i’m energized not exhausted by it at the right times.) I am playing solo shows, but I don’t want to tour all the time (DBR and then SOLO touring is too much touring) so i’m taking each step with a large dose of, “is this what you want”? I will talk and talk about my process with just about anyone who will listen, and for me, that helps work shit out. I get new ideas from others’ perspectives and from the quiet I can give to myself.

So there it is, where I’m at right now. Always growing always learning, it never ends (which i’m both excited and mad about, when is the finish line so I can take a nap!?)

Here are some books that I read recently and loved. Maybe they’ll be inspiring for you as well:

Love Warrior and Carry On Warrior both by Glennon Doyle
You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes (btw I was already doing this Shonda! but i like your book)
Becoming by Michelle Obama

Human Garage - Spring Update!

This is part of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

I had my last QurEcology, biochemistry evaluation and began an adjusted supplement protocol back in January. My tests came back that my pH was too alkaline (#healthsohard) and instead of being acidic, where disease can thrive, it's too alkaline, (think too many green juices and salads) that the pH goes in the other direction and the body really works best when in balance, so we're trying to correct that. The test also showed that my body still wasn't breaking down or absorbing carbohydrates properly, nor my protein. When i started that protocol I didn't feel great. I was in another "two steps forward, one step back" phase. I was EXHAUSTED despite all the progress I'd made so far, and I was discouraged. Throughout the protocol, though very slowly and not without emotional struggle, my energy improved, my libido skyrocketed (which to me indicated a healthier gut, as hormone production largely happens in the gut) and my mood improved. I've been able to largely stick to what makes me feel good lifestyle and diet-wise (currently mostly low-carb paleo/keto) I still tolerate more vegetables! no more low FODMAP for me! I also indulge on occasion, even in a grain-full manner. (On occasion!) So, overall I have been feeling good!

Fitness-wise, I've mostly been adding in body weight exercises on the road and yoga while at home. I recently started doing The Bar Method at the insistence of a friend. Despite hating that class/exercise style the last time I tried it (about five years ago), I kind of don't now... The connection I now have with my body and the awareness that comes with that, makes it so much easier to push through parts of class that are difficult. It also means I can make adjustments that don't leave my neck sore for days and the anger and frustration that comes along with that discomfort.

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Physically, my hamstrings and abductors feel tight, my neck still holds tension and my jaw is still tight. I wanted to touch base at the Human Garage to see where I'm at and where I can go from here. I'd like to not get bloated every time i have starchy carbs, I'd like to be able to drink in moderation without it inflaming my system, I'd like to be able to engage my core muscles without relying on my neck (a common recruitment pair), I'd like to be able to do 10 pull ups by 12/31/18 and I'd like hard legs and also to eat Chinese food from Fat Dragon on occasion without incident.

Today, I met with Alex for a reassessment. He gauged my walk, and noted that my body is holding alignment pretty well from my previous sessions. He released my abductor near my left knee a little, which resulted in a lot of left side psoas/abdominal convulsions and a LOT of laughing-out the energy. (I'll take a laughing release over a crying one any day! It's just a more pleasant form of release for me...) He suggested that I come in for a fascial flow, a custom release session and then schedule a bio-mechanics session so I can update my exercises (bio-mechanic exercises, see previous posts). During this part of my process, I can still work out as I have been, since this "oil change" type of visit is to maintain the progress I've made while living my "normal" life.

Alex and I also talked about energy and emotional growth. The last time i came by the garage, at their old location, I was picking up supplements before leaving for tour and talked to Garry for a bit. He asked how things were going and I said they were fine, I was on the new protocol and working through the "two steps back, one step forward" part of it. I also felt like there was something blocking my progress, likely energetically. I just felt like there was something I wasn't letting go of, despite my openness and constant commitment to being vulnerable, honest and open with myself and where I was at. Garry suggested that I come in and it would "come out on the table", and we'd talk about it.

However, before I had time to do that, while on tour, I was chatting with a friend of mine in the band Front Country (check them out!). I was asking band/business/tour/travel/lifestyle advice and she suggested I look into codependency, nonchalantly. I was confused bc i'm independent and I always assumed codependency was depending on a person (like someone who can't do anything without their partner.) Well I WAS WRONG! I found out through talking to other codependents, some reading and podcast research that i am definitely, and have always been codependent. I really dove into that information, it felt like such a huge relief to know that my "busyness", my need to prove myself, to pour myself into my work, get all of my self worth from how "good of a job i'm doing" at something, to constantly need to prove I deserve to be alive, while also seeking validation, had a name, a reason and a method of recovery. It was also emotional, to know my whole life I'd thought I'd been doing all these actions to be a good person, and it was likely not serving me or anyone I was trying to save or help (facepalm, and some tears).

That seemed to cosmically be in line with what Alex was saying, about how people, right now are going through a change/growth cycle and if we can stay open to it, it'll be a time of great progression. That is in line with my current experience. It felt like a trail marker/synchronicity to be having this conversation. It also felt exciting, to be on the "right track", to feel like there is relief in site from something that I think has lead me to treat my body in unhealthful ways. (secret eating, alcohol and drug use as a coping mechanism rather than a life enhancing habit, over exercising, not exercising etc. etc.)

On my way out, while scheduling my upcoming visits, and picking up some digestive enzymes and some potassium to help my hydration levels (i feel dehydrated even though i put pink salt in my water and drink all the time, i even have that "tongue crack" that indicates dehydrated digestive system) I met a fellow Human Garage-r. He had read this blog before going to HG and we happened to be there at the same time! It was super cool to run into someone who had benefited from reading my experience. That also felt like a moment of synchronicity! Cheers to being Too-Much-Information for some people, and the right information for others!

Side note: if you've read this and it's helped you out, I'd love to hear from you! Facebook message me or shoot me an email!

Mind Over Matter

There is a mental aspect to this whole "self-awareness, healing and health" thing. It's very important to me and I think oftentimes is seen as second fiddle to food. In my experience it's the other half of the solution. I have been trying to work on self love and acceptance for the majority of this journey and probably the majority of my life. It's hard to self examine. I don't like all parts of myself and it's a difficult to accept your whole self while still striving to become the best version of you. I have a complicated relationship with myself. I'm not always kind.

The body and mind are intrinsically connected. Stress, anxiety, negative thought, judgement (of self or others) can wreak havoc on your digestive system. Stress/anxiety especially will put your body in fight or flight which literally SHUTS DOWN your digestion. If digestion is shut down, all that food coming in is just going to go through whole (which incredibly damaging to the guts) or it's going to rot and ferment where it is. There are a host of different ways for this to manifest which i won't list here but you can read about. It's a fascinating thing and motivates me to commit to not doing more harm by ignoring my symptoms (most of the time.) Besides damage your guts, emotions will store in your body if avoided (or eaten, drank, used etc.)  When I started doing yoga, I would cry. I had stored all this energy and emotion in my thighs and when I was breathing and releasing that tension, all of that feeling came flooding back. I'm not making this stuff up, it's called tissue memory! 

I know that for me, anxiety and a western diet really did a number on my guts. I'm trying to be patient and love myself now by carefully choosing what i'm ingesting, or putting on my skin. I also need to remember that if i can't work on healing my heart and mind it'll never stick as my lifestyle. There's a reason why I still want to turn to foods that taste good but do NOT make me feel good, in crisis. I can only work on this if i really stop and listen and show up for myself, just like I would for those I care about. It is not easy to be honest with myself, or to be honest and then not self sabotage in spite of myself. I try to re-commit to being a priority every day. Some days, it's easier than others. Building a community of supportive and like minded friends has been so important for my own commitment. It's easy to be like "let's just order pizza" and commiserate. I used to do that, despite how both of us would feel afterwards. It's been such a blessing to have people come over and be like "let's do X instead and talk about what's really going on." 

I use some of the resources below to help keep me in line and on track with self love, forgiveness and growth. 

Mindfulness Meditation

My (recent) journey began with Mindfulness Meditation. I took a class a couple of years ago with a dear friend of mine and it completely shook my world and turned it upside down. (I actually then took the intro class again, for another 6 weeks.) The benefits of meditation have been scientifically proven. There's no getting around it: meditation helps to reduce stress, improve sleep, lower blood pressure, give space to respond rather than react to a situation, improve focus, increase immunity. Here's a whole list, someone already did this.

For me, it's physically important to keep meditation in my life so that my tendency to stew and fret doesn't hurt my body. It's also nice to feel chill, so an added benefit is general bliss. (Or, what i like to see as "how normal people usually feel".) I like to do it before I go to bed, quieting my mind as i'm going to sleep. If I have time I like to try and do it when I wake up, as well. I've listed some resources below. You can learn to meditate alone or you can try guided meditation if sitting quietly is too intimidating. Personally, I've found it helps me to be a more easy going human. Since my goal is to really learn to let things go, this has been instrumental in helping me do that. It's a practice, to really see the benefits, it's best to make it a habit.

Meditation Resources:

InsightLA -this is where i studied meditation in LA, i love Celeste.

My friend Christina Huntington is also a very gifted meditation teacher.

Oprah and Deepak Chopra - Every year they do a meditation challenge. It lasts 21 days and you get access to free guided meditation. 

YouTube - There are tons of free guided meditations or even music to meditate to, on youtube.

10% Happier - This book by Dan Harris is hilarious and reads like a biography, not a self help book. I found it very helpful in inspiring me to continue meditating when I would get lazy. It also has basic instructions on meditation for beginners. 

Going to Pieces without Falling Apart - Mark Epstein is one of the more "scientific" meditation proponents. He's a psychologist who has written books about the benefits of meditation and how he uses it in his practice. It's a little more digestible if you're not as into the tone of people like Eckhart Tolle or Deepak Chopra. (If you are, I'm sure their books are great too!)

Therapy

I love therapy. I first saw a therapist as a kid, I must have been 8 years old. It was more of me playing in a sand box and someone writing down what it "meant" but I liked talking to her. Having that foundation was really helpful when I started having panic attacks as a teenager. I felt like no one had ever experienced what I was going through. I was just locked in fear, in my own body and no one else got it. Anxiety is pretty common, so the therapist i saw was like, "oh yeah, we know what this is". I felt less alone, at least. I went back to therapy in College when I couldn't figure out why my college relationship was driving me crazy. I would talk about my anxiety, trust issues etc. It didn't save my relationship but it made me feel better to talk to someone outside my friend group, about what I was struggling with. I've been since I moved to LA as well. It's helped me sort out issues in my relationship and also when i was transitioning from my job to my new career.

I can sympathize with people who think therapy is not for them. I'd like to think that with the right person, it could be for everyone. It's a good idea to shop around, do an initial session with someone to see if it's a good fit. You can generally do that for FREE. Also, there are tons of types of therapy based on the very fact that everyone processes differently: talk therapy, somatic experiencing, behavioral therapy to name a few. 

Energy Work

Energy work is a cool new (to me) tool I've started utilizing. There are a bunch of ways to try it. I've only delved into a couple at this point. It's not widely recognized as a traditional therapy in the western world but its gaining traction. Anecdotally I can speak for myself and my group of friends that it helps.

Here's a short list from Yin Yang House.com:

• Qi Gong:
  Qi Gong is a broad term used to describe any number of forms of energy healing based on the theories behind Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). Within these techniques the practitioner uses his/her intent and energy to stimulate acupuncture points, move energy through the meridians of the body and ultimately to heal disease. This form of healing is popular in China and is gaining acceptance and use around the world.
• Reiki:
  Reiki is one of the more popular and widely-known forms of energy medicine. There has been research conducted on its effectiveness and you will find it in hospitals and offered by practitioners around the world. It is based on the Chinese concept of Qi (energy) but it differs from Qi Gong in that it is not as focused on specific acupuncture points or meridians. Rather, Reiki is a more spiritually focused practice in that it places a trust in the energy and the body to know how to heal.
• Tong Ren Therapy:
  Tong Ren Therapy is a technique developed by Master Tom Tam, a prominent Boston area acupuncturist and healer. This form of energy healing is similar to Qi Gong with the addition of the use of the collective unconscious, as defined by Dr. Carl Jung, to heal disease. Tong Ren was originally developed to help people with Cancer, however, it has proven to be helpful in a broad range of conditions such as Multiple Sclerosis, ALS, Parkinson's, Rheumatoid Arthritis and more.
• Vibrational Medicine:
  Vibrational medicine is another broad category of energy healing. It is based on the idea that energy vibrates at particular speeds or wavelengths and imbalances exist when this energy is not operating at an efficient level. The practitioner may make use of crystals, sounds, colors, magnets or other devices to correct these energetic imbalances and restore health.
• Prayer:
  Prayer is quite simply the use of Prayer to heal disease. A person may pray for themselves, or have groups or more spiritually developed people pray for them. Recent research has indicated that a group may pray for specific individuals or even groups of people, with or without their knowledge, and influence their health. A good example of a spiritually developed healer who has had remarkable success is Father McDonough, a Boston area Catholic priest who is well known for his tremendous healing abilities.
• Healing:
  Healing is in many regards a catch all for any practitioner in the energy work field. We mention it here, however, because many people practice healing and advertise themselves specifically as healers. The act of healing may use any technique, from any distance, for any condition and is simply a testimony to the power of energy and the gifts which certain individuals may have developed.

Energy Work Resources:

I use this app called Solfeggio by SonalKiss to do Vibrational Medicine. You listen via earbuds. It's incredibly meditative and calming. There's a frequency that has been reported to heal DNA.  I like to use this app by doing one frequency at a time for about 20 mins a day, three days spent on each frequency (using the Earthly Scale). These frequencies are tuned to each Chakra to help you release any blocked energy in those areas.

I've started working with an Applied Kinesiologist in Los Angeles. That was super cool. She does muscle testing where your body is allowed to answer the questions of what you need and what will help you on your way to healing.

Acupuncture can also be a useful tool for Energy Work. Strategically placed needles can help release blocked energy. I've had a similar reaction to acupuncture, while doing energy work, as I do when i have a muscle release emotion. I just try to stay open and willing to breathe through the release.

Journaling

I have found this blog to be extremely helpful surrounding my health issues. When something is difficult to talk about (this has become a trigger for me) writing is a great way of releasing it from yourself. I've written letters to people I never intended to send, journaled for most of my life and now, started this blog. The Artists Way is a great creative workbook that uses stream of consciousness writing as a form release and stimulation during the 3 month program. You just write, don't take your pen off the page, for 3 minutes each morning. They're called "morning pages". It helps to clear your mind before the day begins.  I know I feel lighter being able to share this information without the possible threat of judgement in return. I can share what I've tried and learned and researched, you can try if you like or leave it if you don't. It's probably very beneficial to my friends as well because they don't have to hear about it unless they ask.

Orthorexia 

This is a topic I wanted to touch on, since I'm talking about the mind and I talk about food all the time. Orthorexia is the condition of being obsessed with eating healthy foods. It is usually coupled with a judgement that some foods are BAD and some foods are GOOD. It's not technically characterized as an eating disorder but is seen as mentally similar to anorexia or bulimia. Generally speaking, the obsession is a projection of underlying mental factors such as: needing to be in control, fear, body image issues etc. There are a lot of resources available for those struggling to figure out the balance of eating healthy and not developing an obsessive relationship around food.

No food is inherently bad or good. Some food is more nutrient dense or bioavailable and therefore may serve the body better. However, focusing on food very intently can become unhealthy without perspective. As I mentioned yesterday, no one diet is going to fit a person for the rest of their life. There's no RIGHT food.

Deal with it

I've found that it's so imperative for me to be open and honest with myself about my emotional state, in order to really feel my best. Food plays a large part in that relationship right now, since eating certain foods can cause sort of "untrue" or "unfounded" emotions in me. I've learned a lot about who i am and what i want in my life by being willing to examine discomfort, sit with it and try to sort out what's really going on. Meditation has been an invaluable tool for that. There's stigma attached to vulnerability and feelings. They're often seen as weakness, and therefore avoided, or "soldiered through". Brené Brown said it best: "To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness... Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path."

I'm still figuring it out as I go. There's a reason why I run with an undercurrent of anxiety. I'm working on examining that and forgiving myself for being who I am as I'm learning to fuel myself in a healthier way. There's no question that being more "self aware" is hard. I beat myself up for beating myself up. I struggle with self forgiveness but preach its importance to my friends. I have a bad day and then harp on myself for not being more patient, or talking too much, or being bossy when i'm actually just trying to be helpful. I lay awake at night and cycle through all the terrible things i've done or decisions i've made and just guilt and shame myself. (Hello! Thank you meditation for helping me go to sleep!) I'm lucky to have built a community of positivity, love, trust and openness in my friends and my husband. It's a journey and the food and health stuff won't ever stick if I don't keep up with the rest. 

This is my favorite meditation: Loving Kindness or "Metta meditation". Maitri is a Sanskrit word meaning “unconditional friendliness towards self which radiates out to others.” Practicing maitri is an antidote for habitual self-hatred and fear.